* Sciport *

Once burned twice shy"

That's not a good description of how it works with me.  I get burned just
about every
time I'm not shy, and I save my burns and re-apply them frequently
For example, (and I choose this example because it one of the less painful
to relive) I was at a barbecue party five years ago with some people from
work.  The subject of the town of Madison, Wisconsin came up.  I related a
story of how I was traveling with some people who decided to dumpster-dive
the Pizza Hut there.  A PH worker saw them, came out and said to stop, that
he'd bring them out a fresh pizza--and he did.  I was only in Madison for
about a day and a half but I had several experiences similar to that, it was
like being at a gathering!

Anyway, after I told the people at the party about this, I immediately
started thinking that they were thinking horrible thoughts about me--that
they were thinking I
was some sort of disease-ridden, worthless, dirty-filthy freak.

But there was no reason to think that.  The main guy I was talking to had a
Jerry Garcia poster in his cube and occasionally referred to himself as an
"old hippy" and in fact even looked a lot like Jerry.  It's pretty unlikely
he'd be thinking anything bad about me for being on the scene of an
attempted dumpster-diving many years ago.

 I told myself this and I knew this to be true, but my feelings didn't
believe me.  My emotions believed the voice that said I'd made a horrifying
grotesquery of myself in the minds of the people around me.  For the rest of
the time I was there I felt so humiliated I could barely breathe, let alone
talk.  I didn't show it though.  I left as soon as I could without being too
obvious about it.

I still remember it and at times I'll be letting my mind drift, suddenly
that event will pop into my head and I'm feeling every bit of the
humiliation and shame all over again.  In my memory I have a vast collection
of moments like this, some much worse (in some cases I actually did do
something embarrassing) and they all come back occasionally to pay me a
visit at some unsuspecting moment, like a surprise kick in the nuts.

I've made some progress in not letting these things pop into my conscious
mind, but I know they're all there in my memory, I can feel them seeping
their poison into my conscious.  (And for all you Freud-bashers out there,
I'm using the terms conscious and subconscious loosely.)

I have to find some way to neutralize the effect these saved humiliations
have before I can go forward.  The main cause of my hesitation around people
and avoidance of them is because I don't want to collect any more of these.

 a.k.a. 'Avoidant personality

I don't trust anyone, least of all myself.  But that lack of trust doesn't
protect me from harm.  Not at all.

Interesting.  I don't have that book.  Probably isn't sold separately, I
guess I might obtain another Bible.  Most mainstream religion horrifies me
but I know that each one has some precious gems at the core.